I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
