hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
