I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
