Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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