Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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