Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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