OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
