I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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