We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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