I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
