The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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