Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
