I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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