Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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