If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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