you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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