I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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