My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
