im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
