either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
