i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize