Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
