Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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