The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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