Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
