I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
