It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
