thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
