i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
