New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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