Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
