i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
