This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
