I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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