I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
