dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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