Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
