Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize