i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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