i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
