Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize