I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
