dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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