i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
