My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
