I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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