I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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