They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
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