Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
