Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
