I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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