You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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