The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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