i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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