While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
