Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize