Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
