good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
