That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
