No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Come on in and take your pants off
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