so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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