I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Randomize
