Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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